As a recovering codependent, reclaiming how I spend my time is at the core of my practice.
I spent much of my life feeling like I was running out of time- or that my time didn’t quite belong to me. My years were filled with chaos, days stollen by whatever emotional rollercoaster I was on.
And even though I had accomplished many things- there was this feeling that I was squandering my most precious resource, rather than investing it in myself, my community, my purpose. I often wondered what I could achieve if I weren’t so compromised by dysfunction and abuse. The possibilities almost scared me. In some ways, perhaps I was relieved by focusing my attention on someone else.
Cultivating a deep respect for my time has become a practice of self-forgiveness. A grace given. A gift.
Wandering about town with nowhere to be, I can feel her. The Goddess of Time who minds us all. The one who decorates the empty spaces in my calendar with happenstance and synchronicity. A telepathic message. A symbol in a daydream. A recurring phrase. A bookshop in North Adams.
I have learned that magic can not enter my life if there is no space for it.
The Goddess of Time is a river in motion- a never-ending stream of experiences, connections, blessings, awakenings, and lessons arriving at my feet. I am supported by the inertia of what has come to pass and what is being pulled in to arrive. The wheel in motion, creates a gravity by which I am stationed in awe.
I am made from my past and future equally. I lap them up. I transmute them into the color green. It is brilliant and bursting like clover. I do this through my eyes.
Warmed in the sun, I submerge myself. I am baptized in the waters of time. Animals place their paws into the soft moss. The ice forms and fades as the seasons punctuate my own changing and returning.
And the Goddess, she knows me. She knows everything I have been and everything I will be. She shares this with me.
I am here, have been, and am becoming.
May you give yourself the gift of time,
so that you may become, again and again,
in your best interest and for the highest good.
on loop:
Untitled God Song by Haley Heynderickx